I struggled with so many things before, for I had a disproportionate visionary-innovator style, that was rarely backed up by implementation power. I was a good planner, I had a decent sense of 'doing' power and simplicity. But my brain was accessing work and vision to create for a billion people. 

 

It took years until I got to see this right:

Wait a minute, if I envision creations for so many people, why don't I get some people invited?
 

I tried to reach out to a few big leaders in the world, to get some direction. They were pointing towards tools to create money, and tools to get some form of success.

 

I didn’t quite know how to tell them: 'Dude, you have no idea what’s in front of you.

 

I am the money. I am the game. The business, the becoming. I am energy. I am YOU. I just want us all to play a new game in the world.

 
Oh, but I did not know that at the time. Everybody was preaching: get autonomy, independence, get your own thing going.

I was drowning in infinite possibilities. I was alone, envisioning everybody's dream of beckoning a new world. 

My challenge and my empowerment was a weird, deep-rooted definition anchored by my mom, and backed up by my dad's scanner personality. When I was a child, they did not try to limit my natural tendency to think limitless and to daydream.

In a playful way, I truly believed everything's possible.
I had all kinds of trouble perceiving limits.

So I naturally didn't know when to stop. I would push through obstacles beyond pain, beyond failure, beyond senses, until the senses lost most of their sense. There was so much forward movement from everything that happened, good, or bad, duality started to fade.

 

I paused when something happened, having tons of doors through which to enter the meaning of that thing, to create the consequence of it happening. All became so interconnected.

 

‘What is good, and what is bad, always question’ a piece of Eminescu’s poem, was my childhood mantra, when I was in school. All I was, including, especially weird aspects of me, or what would seem weaknesses, played the full concert.

I had another weird, deep-rooted definition: that I was always ok, and crying was not necessary. So, I primarily did not connect with emotions. I couldn't cry.

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One day, I was telling my friends a story from my past. While telling it, I was composed, seemed balanced. The one guy next to me started crying. The other guy started comforting him.

 

It was my tiers that cried through his eyes, and I was not even receiving the soft embrace of sharing.

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I began to watch myself like a movie. With a big heart, but quite a bit of detachment.

A little bubble of love, the thinking was limitless, the heart was always dreamy, invincibility kicked in all the time. But I was craving aliveness. I lacked the ability to feel. I began to search for the 'feeling' through the mind, through the intelligence in the whole system.

The drive to aliveness was so deep... the ability to feel was so encrypted,

I had to break through right into ecstasy codes.  

I began to only be able to relate to bursts of ecstasy in my being, in my system.
I cut out all clutter, all possibilities. It all became non-relevant. 

I had one thing to do in the world, and one thing only.

Send out codes of ecstasy. Everywhere.
Receive codes of ecstasy from every pulsation in every soul.

For the first time, I was breathing.

I dropped becoming altogether. Nothing else to be doing, than ecstasy. Then this ecstasy started playing its own game.